New Beginnings
- Karina McKaughan
- Aug 5, 2019
- 4 min read
Updated: Aug 8, 2019
I’ve always heard of the insomniac that has all of their most creative ideas late at night. Well, that’s almost never been me, until tonight.
I’m not going to lie, I’ve been desiring to start a blog for a year now. In fact, the idea has crossed my mind several times, but I never knew where to begin. I knew it would happen eventually, but my ideas for content never seemed to fully align together.
Now I’m about to enter a whole new phase of life, with a few exciting stories in my back pocket, so here we go….
This is for all of my friends and family who want a deeper look into my life, a safe haven for me to share some thoughts that have been bouncing around in my head for quite some time. I wanted to keep my social media pages safe because I already probably type too much on my posts. But you have no idea how much more goes on up in my noggin.
SO LET’S GET THIS STARTED.
I’m going to share a story from a year and a half ago because it directly correlates with this season of my life.
I had just gotten my job at Peet’s, and my family planned a vacation to Mexico. The entire time we were on vacation, I found myself wishing that it wasn’t just a vacation, but also a missions trip, but that’s a whole other story in and of itself.
Anyway, one night, I went for a walk on the beach with my dad. It was pitch black outside so you could barely see the ocean. I closed my eyes to talk to the Lord, the waves just barely coming up to the tip of my big toe. All of a sudden I heard Him speak.
“Karina, do you feel that water touching your toe?” He asked.
“Yes, I feel it”
“That’s how much of my presence you have experienced,” He replied.
WHAT?!? I was shocked. That’s how much? I thought I’ve had so many encounters, things that happened in my life that were undeniably Him! How could I only have experienced that little?
Suddenly I had an urge to run into the water full force, but I remembered that it’d actually be pretty dangerous since it was dark outside.
So internally, I told the Lord that I wanted to go all in. I wanted to experience all of who He is, I wanted to dive deep into His presence. If all I had encountered was a big toe’s worth, then there must have been so much to Him that I was missing. I wanted to experience it all.
“I want to dive all the way in, Lord!” I said to him.
“Not right now, it wouldn’t be safe,” He said, referring not only to the physical jumping into the ocean at night, but also spiritually.
Again, I was horribly confused. Not safe? When was He ever NOT SAFE?
Fast forward to about 6 months later. I was already a month into CR Experience, living in Huntington Beach, feeling… well honestly? Horrible. Not because anything bad was happening, but there were a couple of friendships in my life that needed desperately to be reconciled. I was hurt, and I really needed to forgive these people. I was actually feeling a little bit numb at this point.
I went to the beach with a dear friend of mine, and we looked into the moving waves. I had just finished telling her about some things that were deep on my heart, when I began to feel the waves pulling at my attention. I remembered this moment I had with God in Mexico about diving all in. I looked into the waves. This time, I wasn’t so ready to go fully into His presence. The thought didn’t really excite me the same way that it used to. Why? Because I knew that if I did, it would pull every inconsistency out of me, and honestly I had some bitterness inside that I needed to deal with. I knew that I couldn’t run into the waves unless I forgave these two people.
But the Lord wanted me to forgive them, even if I didn’t feel like it. He told me to run into the ocean physically, even though I wasn’t wearing a swimsuit, and just forgive them. That was the way into His presence.
So I did it. I ran into the waves, clothes and all. Even though it was freezing cold and I would have to walk home, wet, as the sun was going down. But you know what? It was completely worth every moment. The moment that I ran into the water, I felt cold shock course through my body, and suddenly I didn’t feel so numb anymore. I said out loud that I forgave them, and a wave immediately smacked me. I knew that I couldn’t go back on my word from that point forward.
Why is this story of forgiveness so important? Because I’ve actually been having a lot of conversations with friends recently about bitterness. Bitterness is a root of numbness- it’s when you’ve been wronged, but you hold onto the pain for longer than it’s meant to affect you. You let that pain sit and sit, and can never just let it go and let love in its place! I didn’t have full reconciliation with these two situations until much later, but I didn’t need my circumstance to dictate my emotions. Forgiveness is a choice.
So what does this have to do with my life right now? Because I’m ready. It’s safe now. The ocean is crazy, it moves back and forth and can be violent at times, but I’m ready to dive fully into everything God has for me, nothing holding me back. No bitterness, no more confusion, no more anxiety. I’m ready to just put my faith and HOPE in Him.
And that’s what this next season is going to be all about. It’s a fresh start, yes, but I actually believe it’s a continuation of that very thing that started for me in Huntington Beach. I’m ready to be consumed by the love of Jesus.
I’m so excited to step into everything God has for me at BSSM. I’ve felt like this was the next step for almost a year now. I’M DIVING IN!
~~~~ MORE STORIES TO COME~~~~
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